Trust me, I'm a Professional #1

Q:      How do I sneak my cat into my dorm room?A:       The most important thing to consider when transporting a feline is COMFORT. I cannot stress this point enough. If you look at all the instances of cat-smuggling gone wrong it will almost always be traced back to some fool that doesn’t properly know how to transport a kitty. This is because a squished up cat in a bag will meow or flail, alerting passersby (and more importantly your RA) of a concealed animal. I recommend investing in a Cuddle Cup ™ which will definitely lull your cat into a sedated state so you can stow cat & cup into your backpack undetected.           Q:      Help! I’m in college and out of monies!A:      Oh no! Sounds like a real predicament, friend. Good thing there are a lot of safe AND easy ways to make some cash:- Sell your blood plasma at Talecris Plasma Resources, Inc., in Champaign. The website says their center is “clean, bright and inviting!” What more could you ask for?- Sell your sperm/eggs- Sell your hair                   - “Borrow” change from wishing fountains. Pro tip: 100 pennies make a dollar.- Just sell a kidney. I know it’s a cliché, but would it be cliché if people didn’t actually do it and make a ton of money?- Sell your body…parts! There is always a demand for arms and legs in the market.- Sell your soul to the devil. I think saying “beetle juice” 3 times is the easiest way to summon him. Trust me, I’m a professional!