MODERN CLASSIC ROCK of the FUTURE

                   Here we are,A bunch of strongly opinionated, artsy-farts here on the internet, discussing none other than the state of popular music of the future. At least, that’s why I’m here.Classic Rock is the tittle of a genre that I feel quite strongly about. Though it is a human-made definition and predominantly used in urban areas where radio stations exist, the “Urban Dictionary” cannot seem to come to a conclusion on what it actually is. For example, it is called “the best music genre” and “not Guns n Roses” (however if I had a dollar for every time I heard “Welcome to the Jungle” on the Loop, I would be able to afford a lot more stuff that I want in college), so what does that mean for me, your humble and underqualified writer? It means I get to use my own definition and expect you to take it as fact. My definition, therefore, is music that has stood the test of time and become boring enough for old people to tolerate.          Why I like this definition: There are a lot of moving parts.What defines old; is it age or outlook? What defines “tolerate;” is it the decibels a middle aged man or woman uses when singing along to “She Really Got Me” with or without their kids in the car? In this way my definition cannot be beaten and is therefore perfect. So let’s get to it!          Who will be on Classic Rock Radio on this date in 2030:Let’s begin with the obvious. For all the current stations dedicating their music to what has been defined by society to be boring enough for the aged years and are NOT already playing “Everlong” on a daily basis, I can practically guarantee you that the Foo Fighters will be a staple in fourteen years.Let’s break from the point real quick:I do not dislike the Foo Fighters. I may dislike a few of the points that their dopey front man stands for, but I do not dislike contemporary music and do indeed sing “Everlong” quite loudly while in my vehicle regardless of the cargo. No one should be offended by me calling these bands “boring” or “easy for old people to listen to,” as these are simply matters society that commercialism forces us to adhere to and you and I have no say in this process. I’m sure smelly hipsters of the 60s cringe when they hear “Sweet Jane” played in between ELO and Journey (as they should), and you may find yourself doing the same thing with some of the finest names in music today when you flip your car radio to saved station # 5 in hopes of catching a few Z’s on your way to or from work in your self-driving car. This is fine and you should not fret as it will likely happen, but don’t hate me for my speculation (or do, and start a war in the comments).Classic Rock is your #5 station, of course, because #4 is NPR or some talk-based station and #6, your last resort, is the classical station. Now let’s get back to the point:          Aside from them, another obvious pick is Muse. “MUSE!” the slightly more hostile of you might argue, “But Muse has so effectively blended the sounds of hardcore and electronic music in ways that still offend my parents.”To which I say “yes but Rush.”In fact, Muse has already released tracks for the soul purpose of filling arenas, and has made songs that sound exactly as if they are being sung by U2. Yes, Muse and the Foo Fighters are the first on my hit list of boring bands of my generation and it continues (with less certainty, but I refuse to show that I am un-confident in my predictions):Brit Pop will join British Invasion bands in the forms of Oasis and Blur. Radiohead’s “Creep” (which the band will already argue is boring enough to be on the stations) along with Death Cap for Cutie and Kings of Leon will certainly be caste in plastic and Styrofoam. Surely Beck’s broad range of musical output will land him on there somewhere (it’s hard to imagine “Loser” and “E-Pro” ever not being played on the radio) and the single radio hit by Edward Sharpe is practically a promise. Much to my surprise (and some dismay) I am already hearing old Greenday (before they were even securely in the grave!), but will their foot in the door be enough to bring in classic Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance?Will Jack White and Black Keys bring Alabama Shakes with them? Can Cage the Elephant and the Arctic Monkeys bring with them Silversun Pickups? Will the post-punk revival movement survive by virtue of the Strokes and Franz Ferdinand? Is the very definition of “Rock” malleable enough to allow in Vampire Weekend and even further into electronic-pop, can acts like Grouplove, Foster the People, MGMT, and the xx? I can guess that The Shins will find a way to survive (they already sound like Styx), but will Bright Eyes, Iron and Wine, or the National be so fondly remembered? Will “Rock” instead push against the softer, more electronic styles and allow Linkin Park, Rise Against, and the likes to exist alongside the Offspring?

(But hey, The Joy Formidable may find a way in there)

This is when negativity sets in with me:I do not have faith that the inventors of the 90s sound in Pavement and Weezer will have great footholds in the Classic Rock platform of the future and that Modest Mouse will only be remembered for one song. Modern classics like Jeff Buckley’s “Grace ” and Bugg’s “Lightning Bolt” will probably not be played alongside Spoon, Smashing Pumpkins, and the Violent Fems and may be forgotten like the tracks from the records by Iggy Pop, Joy Division, Monks, and Pere Ubu… but alas, that’s what Pizza FM and other (slightly more… you know… mechanical) radio stations exist for; that goal of holding on to what would otherwise be forgotten music.Now Listen: Of course I’m not being fair! All these stations regularly go back into the depths of the rock bins of the ages and will play select songs from dusty vinyl pieces and cassette tapes. In this way I’m sure a nostalgia will always be tapped by these classic rock stations. And if you listen close enough, you might even be surprised by who they decide to play some Tuesday afternoon next to Byrds and Zappa’s Mothers of Invention.You see, these are the questions that come to mind when I hear Future Islands come on as I’m walking through the grocery store... To almost all of these I will say yes. It will be hard to promise the softer indie-folk acts will survive, but perhaps those will strengthen the breadth of music that Adult Contemporary, a torturous sub-genre and eight-hundred and ninety-something Comcast channel, can pick from.  Thank you for your time. P.S.I will be personally taking bets until the end of 2016 about which of these artists will appear on classic rock radio stations on any given date in 2030 (odds will be discussed and agreed upon during consultation). P.P.S (AND FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ENTIRETY OF THE ARTICLE SO FAR)Alternative Take via my Music Mentor:A big reason for classic rock being considered “classic” rock is the advent of FM radio as a sort of golden age for the explosion of rock in general rather than a sort of fermentation process.Indeed the internet has successfully blurred timelines which has allowed for classic acts to sound contemporary and the vice versa, however a classic rock song from 15 years ago still followed the unmoving traits that classic rock has always instituted – and they were huge – so the process of pop/rock to classic rock feels less like aging and more like the radio stations waiting for a song or artist to go out of style before absorbing the sounds as their own.